Have I been saved? My answer:

Ever since I can remember, I have believed in God.  I remember questioning the logic of the Trinity, and the morality of: “questioning God in the first place,” in the shower as a young boy.  In my heart, though, I have always believed in God watching over me.

I do not remember the first time I believed, as of the same way I might have about Santa Clause, but I do know the tale I was told, has never left me.

Later in life,  I came to a more “mystical” understanding of God, however still a Christian one, but it wasn’t until April 22nd (my birthday) two years ago, that I came to a deeper understanding of God’s plan for us.

I remember this was not a joyous moment, although my senses were very awake and aware.  No;  instead,  my heart went out to all of society, and the disheartening fact that they all seemed so unaware of the truth of salvation.  There was no malice in my thinking, only a picture in my thoughts, while looking through the lightened leaves in the sunshine next to the lake where my friend and I sat, of Atlas and the weight of the world on his shoulders.  At some point, I know we must “shrug” off this weight at times, but it was a heavy truth indeed, for me at this moment.

This day, I came to understand more, if not perhaps fully for a few absolute and perhaps pure minutes of my life, what is meant by the passage in the Bible: “Faith creates works.”

I was baptized and confirmed as a baby, which is the Byzantine way, and I have always taken comfort in the knowledge of God’s presence.  My relationship with God, on the same note, has continued growing every month, and every week, but:

“Have I been saved?”

Truly, it is not until I am in heaven, sitting next to the Lord, our Father, that I will be certain of this.  Am I a part of the Christian family?  Yes… but I do not like my sin, and I am still afraid of Hell, because of sin.

Perhaps one day I will completely let go of my fears, but for now,

I am a heavy heart.

2 easier prayer techniques

What I like about writing, is, well first of all if I have a plan to write, my mind starts thinking of cool things to write about!  It is like making a plan to go to Disney, where I start to enjoy the journey more before the destination is reached.

Speaking of destination, my end destination is to have enough money to focus on rehabilitating or growing routine and discipline in individuals, for free.  I’d like to own some cool land etc.. and move them in to live with me 24/7, and basically just.. well.. do my thing.

I feel to get that money, that a motivational book will be the fastest way.  I like the warrior way of needing to rely on little materials, because it can distract the heart, however, I would like a beautiful estate, so that we can drill, meditate, etc.. together in harmony.  What kind of estate, and if more than just a metal shed, I suppose I won’t know until later.

As with any dream, I need more of a routine of discipline.  Undergoing hardship, and recognizing myself as having discipline, really feels good, for example, getting up early to go through a routine of prayer and writing.

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Speaking of prayer, praying for others is great, however, I noticed this morning that I don’t necessarily need to pray in words.  Many times I am so compulsive about not having the write words that sound poetic, that if I try to pray to God I constantly rephrase and basically x and strike out everything I say and it ends up very.. crazy!

Praying for others does some unique and awesome things.

It gets us away from ourselves, which helps us relax, majorly!  It’s like giving the compulsively selfish mind a break.  In this way, I think it is much better than praying for myself.

However, this morning I noticed that the focus of my prayer was directed towards praying for others, however, sometimes my heart felt it necessary to meditate on certain situations where I needed help forgiving, or I needed strength etc.

But I didn’t need any words!  I could just picture the situation in the “light” and perspective that I wanted, and it was just as good..  Kind of like, watching the kitchen get cleaned in my mind over a few seconds rather than put to words for help cleaning the kitchen.  (just an example that came to mind)  I believe this happens naturally, and is not necessity, but it helps me a lot and prevents me getting compulsively tongue tied.

The goal, i think, is to live in spiritual prayer, all the time.  Prayer is another mundane task that really lets the mind relax.  It doesn’t take a huge amount of energy, but even just 30 seconds of prayer, in this case, unlocked a stem of ideas that helped me to write.

Compulsiveness is a huge thing with me, which seems to be an antithesis to patience.  I like to always feel a rush of progress, and if I don’t apply a routine of discipline, for example, getting up to run, shower, shave, pray, and write in the morning, I tend to take caffeine, pick fights and be more confrontational etc…

Hopefully, everyone that knows me and reads this knows my heart has good intentions, but that that is the human side of me.

This kind of thing makes me wonder how Jesus stayed a small time carpenter until he was 30, rather than take off much sooner.

I know I can’t expect to live to 30, but I really hope I have a few more years at least.  I’d hate to not get into heaven, and I believe just because we were “saved,” etc, doesn’t mean we will Stay saved.

Anyway, that is a deep root of why I do the things I personally do, but it isn’t what I focus on.

Today I want to focus on praying for others, which can help me compulsively think about myself, a lot less, and relax me enough to open up more, and perhaps help me fulfill a routine of discipline, that can replace the need to compulsively take stimulants, pick fights, or become depressed at, “not enough progress.”

I think that is all I’ve got for today:

1)  Praying for others

2) Prayer visualization rather than using words can help those that get distracted by choosing words

Mundane Can be Good

This writing is for the purpose of reconnecting to my spirituality, and healing.  I am happy if it helps others, but I do it because it is something I think might help me.  Since this is my problem statement, I wrote this last in the path of discovery, however, I am moving it up to the top of my writing, because that is what I learned in my technical writing class.

What is there really to say?  Nothing is perfect.  We love each other, and we also are capable of great anger.  We act as if we don’t trust those we love, and we sure as heck don’t always trust random strangers.

The problem, suppose, is when we get our self esteem from other people.  Perhaps that is where the anger comes from in the first place.  If you don’t get your self-esteem from God, there will always be some person out there to take it away from you, because ultimately, you can’t be the best at everything, and even then, death can take you at any time.  We are all just imperfect humans.

This obviousness just leads us back to the obviousness of our task:  to stay connected.  People have said that life should be like a constant prayer.  The problem I have had with that in the past is that (wow its good to be back blogging) I would actually try praying, or I would put a lot of emphasis on reading the Bible, or running first thing in the morning, or eating  breakfast, etc.. etc… etc…

It didn’t work… because I didn’t know myself enough, I didn’t listen to my feelings as much, and I compulsively looked, suppose, for an easy solution.

The truth is that there is no solution, there is only life.  There is no ONE solution.  Either life IS the solution, or you are living life looking for a solution when life should BE the solution.  We have to constantly be living, and attempting to live in constant prayer.

Obviously, this never happens, but let’s take it one step at a time, actually why don’t we just smack ourselves in the head just to keep ourselves interested?

I think living a constant spiritual life takes these three things: (Which will change)

1)   One must be aware of the need to live spirtually (we end up feeling insignificant and un blessed otherwise)

2)  We must not try to force one solution, but make a solution in everything we do. We tend to live life searching for a list of good things, but the fact of the matter is that all actions can be confused with good or bad, it is the meaning we attach to it that keeps our spiritual connection.

Lets’ break this down more…

A)  Everybody strives to be happy

But what mindset accompanies the drive to be happy in our actions?

B)  Along with what we do to be happy, we usually also attach one of two meanings to what we are doing.

One of them saves us our spiritual connection, and one of them severs it

Basically, when we do anything, whether it is clean the dishes, write, play guitar, sit around and look at something we are fascinated at, we either attach the meaning of, “this will help me,” or we attach the meaning of, “I don’t care.”

I don’t care kills.  This will help me strives to reconnect, and stay connected spiritually, and without that connection, we end up fighting others, because we don’t want to admit fault, because our self esteem would be hurt if they said we are unworthy and evil.  If we are spiritually connected, our self esteem already IS 100 %, and we only hope that people forgive us, but ultimately we don’t need to lash out them in violence and anger, only love.

3)  When we lose our connection. We still live by the same format.  We still feel the need to seek out beauty, to make amends, to dig through heaps of trash in search of treasure, and we also feel the needs to escape, hide, and feel ashamed.  The funny thing is that if you believe in God, God still loves you and sparkles the trees at you in the sunshine, and countless other things that give you joy.  And what God would let you experience joy and things you love if He didn’t love you?  This is why we feel ashamed, but always we will feel the need to make amends.  It is okay to feel cautious, I suppose, because we aren’t perfect.  Remember, we are here to grow, otherwise God wouldn’t have put us through this pain, He would have just created us in a different way.  We can’t figure out why the world exists or how something came from nothing or how infinity is timeless.  We just can’t, and that is why the heart is a recipe for faith, so on that token, the fact that we are here to grow means that you can stop feeling so ashamed, and the second you do, you can again open up to God’s love, get your self esteem back, and stop lashing out of others, that made you feel ashamed in the first place.  If it’s not lashing out at others, and it is taking drugs, it is all the same thing.  Nothing is worse than another, but some things have more potential for YOU, and it is different for everybody.

So we know to we are naturally cautious, we know we should stop feeling ashamed and at least try to open up, but we also know that by that same token of faith, God won’t push us more than we can handle.  That means that everything you are afraid of people finding out about you, or everything you don’t want to admit, WONT HAPPEN unless you are ready to ACTUALLY handle it.  Don’t worry about the truth about you cheating coming out for example, because God knows what everyone can handle.

It is like lifting weights.  You can’t handle running a mile, but if you trained for a year, you could do it in your sleep.  On top of that, you literally WOULD do it in your sleep, in the same way that dogs run, it is ENJOYABLE to accomplish, and ‘run free’… that you actually would dream about it and embrace it.  In the same way, if you don’t feel comfortable with something, God will, like a personal trainer with weight lifting, show you an easy machine (perhaps like a physical therapist) that you can work on it.
HE IS NOT GOING TO SEND YOU OFF TO THE RACES

Now, you never know about God though.  There is always the possibility of death and Satan’s Hell.  So life isn’t just about being cautious and searching for God’s love, it is also about needing God, because we are created to do such, and Hell is a reality that can be used to push us to search for God’s love.  Big deal, it is the way life is, and either you can be skeptical and search for the bad, or you can have a little faith, and search for good and be happy.  Realism exists, and so does skepticism and faith.  Which one do you choose?  It is a constant revolving process.  The point is you have to keep trying to remain connected

So on the token about Hell, sometimes God WILL send you to the races and let you get injured, but only if you have an even GREATER INJURY that he is TRYING TO HEAL.

Who cares if you break a knee if it saves your heart?  In the same token, who cares if you break your heart if it saves your soul?

Have faith in his plan, and you will realize you will get nothing but Love and situations that test you, yes, but that you can handle.

Admit your faults and you can reconnect to the eternalness that gives you true self esteem.  Hope yes, but hope is a small emotion when compared to Love, and apparently there is a lot out there.